Golden Girl

I guess it’s true that there is always something good to offset the bad in our lives.

We spent most of the day yesterday visiting my husband’s son in the hospital. This round of chemo is really knocking the crap out of him. Literally. Poor guy can’t keep anything in. It’s hard for me to see him like that, so knocked down. I know it’s killing my husband. He has always been a “fixer” and he knows there is nothing he can do to “fix” this.  We just have to wait and pray that the chemo does it job.

So is was good medicine for my husband that we went to the breeder right from the hospital to see our new little Golden Girl.  The last time we were there, she was only a few days old and didn’t really have that “steal your heart” face that puppies have.  She sure does now.  My husband melted when he saw her.  He snuggled her and kissed her nose and told her that she was going to be a much loved dog.  The smile on his face was a welcome sight.  Lisa, our breeder, said we can take her home in two weeks.

We can’t wait to get you home Daisy Mae.  We really need you in our lives right now.

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A Change Of Luck?

Awhile back, we did a DNA test on Maggie. The results came back that she was:

a. Primarily Akita (obvious from her general appearance).
b. Part Chow (notably her fur, tail and black spots in her mouth).
c. Part Lab (she does have webs between her toes).

However, today she showed her true Lab colors. Maggie has a habit of picking up rather large rocks and bringing them into the house. I always take them away from her so she doesn’t break a tooth or swallow the rock. This morning, the “rock” she brought into the house turned out to be a big piece of frozen poop. Fortunately, I noticed it before it had a chance to defrost.

Maybe my luck is changing.

Miss Innocence (The "rock" is hiding beneath her)

Miss Innocence
(The “rock” is hiding beneath her)

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It’s Always Something

They say bad things come in threes. Well, I think I’m on number thirty-three.

I had a totally un-glamorous accident Friday night. I tripped over something (most likely my own feet) in my bedroom, fell backward and hit my back right below the kidney on the corner of the night stand. Other than having the wind knocked out of me, I thought nothing of it and went to bed. Was fine until I tried to turn over in my sleep and woke up yelping in pain. Spent the rest of the night like that – doze, turn, yelp. My husband slept through everything.

Next morning I announced that he needed to take me to the ER. I was sure I had ruptured something. Two hours and many X-rays later, I was home with an ice pack and a prescription for Percoset. Possible hairline fracture of the rib. Definite deep chest contusion. Now I know what football players feel like when they’ve been speared with a helmet.

I spent Saturday on the couch, icing, sleeping and popping Percoset while my husband took our house guests into the City to do the Christmas tourist thing. And of course, it’s month end closing for me; I can’t afford to miss work. So I’m toughing it out everyday, making the commute (sans Percoset – I drive part of the way). And believe me, the very definition of toughing it out is riding the NYC Subway system during rush hour when you feel like you’ve been kicked by a mule. Moans or whimpers the come as a result of bumps and jostles, only serve to make people pretend you don’t exist.

We’re in the home stretch though. A new year is coming up fast. A chance to start fresh and with it, a much better run of luck I hope!  Yet the truth is that there will always be rough patches.  When things are going well, we fool ourselves into thinking that’s how they’ll stay.  But it hasn’t been that way since Pandora opened that stupid box.  The trick is to always remember that everything changes; nothing stays the same.  Appreciate the good times while you have them and know that the bad stuff will pass too.

In the meantime….

“My little Rosanne Rosannadanna, it’s always something.” Oh Gilda Radner, how right you were.

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A Prayer

Enough.
When is it enough?
When have I paid enough dues?
When have I carried my cross far enough?
When is the burden heavy enough?

Yes, I know all that crap about not having more
than I can handle.
Just because You ladle it out a little at a time
instead of one, giant lightening bolt
doesn’t make it any easier.

How about a break?
How about a year without troubles or sickness or death?
How about six months?
One month?

Hey! You listening?
Anything?
Something?
Nothing.

Yeah, I know You give me plenty of good things.
I get it. I’m grateful.
I say Thank You. All the time.
JESUS H. CHRIST, WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?

Sorry. Didn’t mean to shout.
But I’m really pissed, You know?
Look, I’ll try to keep doing the right thing.
How about a little help though?
A little manna from Heaven so to speak?

I mean, we’re in this together, right?
That’s the deal?
I’ll do my best to hold up my end of the bargin.
I’m counting on You to do the same.

Thanks.
I’m glad we had this talk.

Amen.

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Life is what happens……

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” – John Lennon

Everything was going along so nicely. My husband and I were spending quality time together. I was totally caught up at work. I had time everyday to write and post on the blog. I had a whole list of things to be grateful for. Then the wheels came off. Stuff at the office began to pile up. Our weekends filled up with endless work around the house. My elderly aunt arrived for a ten day stay and I suddenly had a five foot two willful toddler to contend with.  We have house guests coming this weekend that I am not prepared for.  My writing time dried up and blew away.  Nothing was working out as I planned.  My stress level was reaching DEFCON I.  Then suddenly this afternoon, it all was just noise.

My husband called to tell me that his son has four new tumors.  Matt is his only child.  He’ll be 29 this February.  Five years ago he was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia.  He underwent several rounds of chemo and then a bone marrow transplant and, thank God, went into complete remission.  This past Spring, four months shy of his fifth anniversary of remission, they found a tumor in his colon.  He had surgery and the tumor and part of his colon was removed.  More chemo.  He seemed to be doing better.  This past week, he wasn’t feeling well.  He cancelled dinner with us on Sunday.  Today was his regular check-up.  He had a PET scan and bingo – four new tumors.  They are inoperable. They admitted him and he starts chemo again tomorrow.

I have no children of my own.  I have no idea of what my husband is feeling now.  I can guess at it.  I know him and I know how much he loves his son.  But I don’t know what it feels like to think you might lose your child.  I listened to Lennon’s “Beautiful Boy” today.  Matt is a grown man but he is still my husband’s boy.  Nothing has worked out the way he thought it would I’m sure.  All I can do is be there for him.  He’s focused on Matt; I’m focused on him.  He will pour all his energy on supporting Matt; I’ll pour all my energy on supporting him.  Matt doesn’t need me now, he needs his Dad.  But his Dad needs me.  I’ll be there.

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The Art of Gratefulness – Day 18

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Today was a spa day. There is something so satisfying about taking a day to pamper yourself. I’m lucky enough to be able to afford a spa like the one at the resort we are staying in but even when I was broke, I still took a day now and then to relax and take care of my body.

This particular spa has a tradition. When you enter, they give you a piece of red ribbon. You tie seven knots in the ribbon to represent all your troubles and worries. Then, after you have undressed and put on a robe, you drop the ribbon into a large brass bowl to signify leaving all your stresses in the care of the Universe. It’s a nice idea. I just wish it was that easy.

Sometimes we become so attached to our worries; it’s difficult to let them go. And sometimes they come at us so fast it’s like playing dodgeball with Life.  It’s not easy to learn to trust our own ability to overcome whatever obstacles are put in our path; or to have faith that it is all part of a Great Design. It takes hard work and practice. There are many paths that lead to that place of centeredness and ease. Each one of us has to find their own way.

For a long time, I was stuck in a huge pothole in my path. I couldn’t see how things would ever get better. But in my heart, I believed I deserved good things; I deserved love; I deserved joy. Everyday I practiced trusting my heart. One by one, those knots in my ribbon have come undone; I’ve climbed out of the hole and found my way towards my home, my center, myself.

I am not there yet. But I’m on the right road. And for that, I’m grateful.

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The Day The Music Died

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Most of us Baby Boomers have two days in our lives that we can remember “where we where when….”. The most recent is September 11, 2001 and the other is November 22, 1963.

I was in Sr. Theresa Aloysius 4th grade class. Someone came to the door and called Sister into the hall. When she came back in, she turned on the big black & white TV on the high, rolling stand in the corner. That was very unusual. The TV was only turned on to watch a few, select educational shows on WNET. At first it was a little hard to figure out what was going on. It was just a bunch of the old guys my family watched at night talking. Then Walter Cronkite (everybody knew who he was), came on and said “President Kennedy has died”. I don’t think any of us got it at first but then we saw Sister crying. Nuns never cried. This was bad, really bad. I don’t know if it was a chain reaction or if we all finally understood, but in a few moments, the entire class – even the boys – was crying. The Principal, Mother Mary Conrad, came on the PA and told us we were being dismissed early.

For three days, the TV was never turned off in my house. Everyone was somber, sometimes just standing around watching that little screen. Time was suspended. I don’t think I truly understood the impact of those events at that time. I knew JFK was important. He was like a superhero. He was going to save us from the Communists. His picture hung in every classroom (and in some homes) right next to the picture of Pope John XXIII. He was the President and he was Catholic. And, the icing on the cake, he was Irish! I remember everyone dressed in black. In my mind though, all of this is mixed up with Daddy, who less than three weeks later, was dead himself.

I understand now that Kennedy’s death was a watershed event in our history. We were a nation of optimists and that optimism was shattered. It has never come back completely. Perhaps we were just naive. We have learned that this wonderful man had a dark side; that much of what was presented was smoke and mirrors. Still, I prefer to remember him as the heart of Camelot. A man of great youth and “vig-aaar” who tried to push this country into a “new frontier”. Who dragged us kicking and screaming out of our segregated past.

Like all great men, like all of us, history continues to show him as a flawed human being, not the demi-god we saw him as in those days. In my mind, however, he will always be the handsome Irishman with the sparkling blue eyes and ready wit who made us all believe anything was possible.

Here’s to you Jack! In your short time here, you reminded us that we are a county of imagination and courage; a people of promise. Perhaps we will never recapture the innocence of those days, but we will move forward with hope for the future and the belief in the strength and goodness of the American Spirit.

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The Art of Gratefulness – Day 17

Riverwalk

Riverwalk

We spent some time today at Riverwalk. San Antonio is such an amazing place. In many cities with a river flowing through the center, either the banks are unreachable or not very attractive. San Antonio decided to create a public space, a park, that runs along both sides at river level. The grounds are beautifully landscaped but have a natural almost jungle like feel. There are cafes and restaurants where you can sit and watch the river flow by. There is an amphitheater with the stage on the opposite bank. There are barges that will take you by water through the length of Riverwalk. We took our time and walked the entire loop. It was restorative. Here is another shot at night.

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Later in the evening, we attended the welcome reception for the conference. There was a Texas theme with a country band, mechanical bull, BBQ and best of all, armadillo races. I got to hold an armadillo!

Love them critters!

Love them critters!

It was a real treat to see a city that believes that its public spaces should burst with art and beauty. And holding an amadillo, well that just thrilled the Elly May Clampett in me. And for that, I’m grateful.

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The Art of Gratefulness – Day 16

We are on a mini-vacation this weekend. My husband has a conference to attend and I decided to take off three days and join him.  It’s a wonderful opportunity for us to spend some time together and visit a new place as well.  So here we are in San Antonio Texas.  Home of The Alamo and Riverwalk.

Today we spent several hours exploring The Alamo.  First we saw an IMAX movie about the battle that took place there and then went to visit the site. I had very little understanding of the significance of The Alamo.  My knowledge of it was limited to the John Wayne movie of the same name and the phrase “Remember the Alamo” so I  was surprised and moved when I learned the full story.

Historical places always seem so small when you see them in real life.  It makes what happened there much more personal.  As we walked the grounds, we listened to the docents describe the events of 1836; how 189 men held off three thousand of Santa Ana’s troops for two weeks ultimately being crushed in a battle that lasted less than 90 minutes; how two American legends, Jim Bowie and Davy Crockett, were among the dead; how their commander Col. Travis was just 26 year old when he drew the famous “line in the sand”;  how though they sent numerous couriers to the Texas army pleading for reinforcements, none came;  how though every man there knew he was likely to die, they chose to stay and fight for what they believed; how afterward, Santa Ana in a show of disrespect, had the bodies burned; and how as a result of the time the siege bought, Sam Houston was able to gather a large force that defeated Santa Ana  at San Jacinto only a  few weeks later in a  battle that became the turning point in the Texas Revolution.

Texans see the Alamo as a shrine, a sacred place.   It is not part of the National Parks Service.  It is owned by the State of Texas and under the  custodial care of the DRT, Daughters of the Republic of Texas  – a group   I heard described as like “the  Daughters of the American Revolution but with sawed-off shotguns”.  They take their charge very seriously and even had a law passed restricting the height of nearby buildings so no shadow will ever fall across  the Alamo.

As we  wandered  the grounds, I was  struck by the number of wreaths and memorials placed there.   One in particular caught my eye.   It was a banner sayiing  ” Camp Alamo Afganistan”.    And I thought, “Wow.  There are still heroes out there.”

But they are not all in the military.  Yes, there are thousands of young men and women who bravely do whatever they are asked to everyday.  But there are untold numbers of people who face the enemy daily.  And the enemy is not always the Taliban.  Sometimes it’s abuse, or bullying, or a devistaing disease.  They know the outcome may not be what they want, yet they stand their ground and fight to the end.

The Spirit of the Alamo is still strong.  And for that, I am grateful.

The Alamo

The Alamo

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The Art of Gratefulness – Day 15

Dogs came late into my life.  Although I wanted a dog for as long as I could remember, there were always reasons why I couldn’t have one.  So I was well into my fourties when Ginger came along.  She was my first dog and probably the easiest dog I will ever have. Since then, there have been Gilligan (still with me), Elliott, Maggie the First and now Maggie the Second.

I’ve probably gone about getting dogs in totally the wrong way.  I don’t really give much thought to the breed.  I get the dog that I connect with. With the exception of Gilligan who is an American Eskimo and Elliott who was a greyhound, they’ve been mutts so it’s kind of a crap shoot anyway.

Two have been puppies, Maggie the First and Maggie the Second. The others were all adults. I probably didn’t spend as much time with the puppies as I should because of work.  But somehow they wound up housebroken and did very little damage, except for the basement doorframe which Maggie the Second tried to eat.

My training methods are hit and miss.  My dogs know some basic commands most of the time.  They still pull on the leash and if I let Maggie off-leash for a second, she’d be off like a shot on a small animal safari.

Still, Gilligan and Maggie are good dogs. They have a happy life I believe. I know it would be better if I could spend more time with them but in the meantime, they have each other for company. I know there are purists who would say I need to be home more. I need to train them more. I should feed them fresh chicken that I cook myself. But I can’t and I don’t.

And now we are going to get yet another puppy. This time from a breeder. A Golden. My husband’s dream dog. We won’t do much different with this one except take a week off from work to be with her when we first bring her home. We hope she will fit in well with the other two. I’m sure given time and some patience from us, she’ll be fine.

We may not have followed the rules with our dogs but they’ve all turned out OK. And for that I’m grateful.

Maggie

Maggie

Gilligan

Gilligan

 

 

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