Last night, coming home on the train, I was thinking about the choices we make. How we can choose to acknowledge the beauty and hope in life or not; how we can choose to see beyond what our senses tell us is real or not; how we can have faith or not. I’ve been feeling myself pulled more and more toward the divine and mystical around me. It leaves me feeling uneasy. Although I’ve always considered myself a spiritual person, I worry about being deluded. I studied psychology. At one point, I started my master’s degree so I could be a therapist. I know about magical thinking and superstition. And yet, I cannot deny that there is something happening, some sea-change in me, a sense of anticipation. I keep hearing the song “Something’s Coming” from West Side Story in my head.
I’ve always believed in signs. As I was pondering all this, I looked out the train window and saw the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen. ( I prefer the Italian word arcobaleno – rainbow just doesn’t capture the majesty of it.) It was a full arch, spanning the entire sky. The colors were bright and solid, right out of a child’s box of crayons. As I watched, a lighter, ghost version appeared over it. These words came to me “I have set my rainbow in the sky as a sign…”
Over the years, I have experienced many things I can’t explain with logic. I’ve told a number of stories about my first husband’s death that fit that description, but I don’t know if I really believed what I know happened. Now Something is trying to get my attention again. Something is throwing pebbles at the window of my heart. God, Spirit, Divine Love whatever you call it, is whispering to me.
So what am I afraid of? Of being a fool? Of opening the door and finding nothing there? Of being thought silly or deluded? There is so much we don’t see simply because we refuse to see it. Because we can’t quantify it, we deny its existence. Yet there is more, more than what we accept as real because we can touch it. I don’t know where this is headed for me but the signs say “This way” and this time, I’m going.