Ah..Dostoyevsky

I committed murder last night. I did not plan it. I do not regret it. But neither am I proud of it.

I had thought all day about those horrible creatures mauling my beautiful plants. I let the idea of them sliding their slimy little undersides across the lush green leaves churn inside until I knew I had to stop them now. Tonight. I would do it quickly, as soon as I got home.

It was after 8:00 when I pulled into the garage. The last of the daylight was fading, just a slight glow between the trees at the top of the hill. I went directly into the house and turned off the alarm. I placed my purse, tote and travel mug on the island. The steak knife was still in the sink where I had dropped the night before. I took it and went back out into the garage. It was completely dark now so I switched on the spotlight above the overhead doors. There was a pool of light that encompassed part of the stone wall and the pots and plantings above it. I approached the container where the I knew they would be. It was partially in shadow, so I tilted it until the light revealed the hideous yellow forms within. As I did the night before, I used the tip of the knife to flick them off one by one. They landed silently on ground near my feet.

That was all I meant to do. I swear. I just wanted them off my plants. But when I looked down and saw the righting themselves and beginning to crawl back toward the wall, back toward my plants I knew I HAD TO STOP THEM! I focused on largest, ugliest one. With the tip of the knife, I pinned him to the pavers. I had no idea what I was going to do next. Then he looked at me with those weird stalky eyes. I knew he was laughing at me; at the futility of what I was trying to do. Something terrible and dark came roaring out of me and I went all samurai on his ass. I released him and brought the serrated edge of the knife down squarely in the middle of the little bastard. And I sawed back and forth until there was slime and slug guts all over the ground. But I didn’t stop there. I saw his relatives heading for safety between the stones in the wall and I took them out too. I was crazed. I wanted them all! I walked along the wall whispering to them “Come out you ugly bastards. You can’t hide. I will find you and kill you.”

And I did. For half an hour I hunted. The knife came down many times. Not only on the terrible, yellow snot things but on grey spotted phlegm ones too. Then I saw it. The biggest, ugliest, nastiest one of all – ON MY HYDRANGEA! I stabbed and slashed and sawed with all the hate that was in me.

And like that….it was over. I looked at the carnage around me; the bits and pieces unrecognizable, some of it still moving (eeeiiick). I felt nothing for them not even anger anymore. I turned off the spotlight and went into the house. I still had the knife in my hand. It was covered in slug guts. I thought about tossing it but it’s part of a a set so I just wiped it clean with a paper towel and put it in the dishwasher to sterilize it.

Today I will put down repellant or poison, whatever the guy at the garden center recommends. I will rid myself and my home of this plague of slugs. No one will come after me for my crime. I am fortunate that anti-vermin sentiment still runs strong in this part of the country. The memory of last night’s massacre will quickly fade. But I have seen a darkness in my soul that I did not know existed. I hope never to see it again. And that I will not forget.

The morning after

The morning after

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